I have been trying to determine my place in the thing. In this vast, wide, temporary, yet never-ending thing that we all exist in. I realize that the defining fear of my life is that it will be unnecessary. That I will have been born for no good reason. Just a person that was here for however many years and never much rationalized the resources that it took to keep me alive.
I can tell myself that my kindness has mattered. The sandwiches I bought those hungry men on the street. The smile I shone to that passing stranger. Those orders I shopped and delivered. The articles I picked and helped ship out. The petitions I signed. The votes I casted. The attempts at educating I have made. The stories I’ve told. None of that is nothing. However, in the grand scheme of my wishes for myself I continue to struggle to find worth in how I am being. After years of living in a way that my potency was meant to help as many other people as possible, I have to now face that as much as giving gives me, I still feel a since of emptiness and a disconnect from my own existence. I survived for so long on performance and disassociation that finally connecting to my own experience has left me disappointed.
It has never felt like a good time. I was born at the beginning of the 90s, but I realize that many of my positive experiences were rooted in not actually knowing what was going on and not being responsible for myself. That is the glory of our youth that we miss. The lack of general responsibility and being taken care of. Even those of us who were not born into privilege still at least had the ability to blame someone else for our poor quality of life. Once it is your job to take responsibility for yourself you have to deal with the ridiculousness that is life under the prevailing systems. It was nice when we could just play, go to block parties, and did not know enough to be truly worried for ourselves. Eventually you understand that in situations where you do not have the resources, every need is a nuisance and reminder of what you do not have.
There is a great opportunity in this moment. The old ways are dying hard because they refuse to go without a fight. We could effectively decide to do whatever in any way. The falling empire is flailing and harming on its way out, but the more threats to it there are the more damage it takes. That damage will make it incapable of meeting every threat. We heard singular names that had history make us believe that it is something to be done by individuals, when they were simply the faces and voices of larger movements. I have many innovative ideas, although I lack the resources to realize most of them. That’s the thing though. It’s all about perception of possibility and our determination to keep dreaming.
I haven’t been able to overcome my own lack of belief in my ability to build and maintain the life that I want for myself. Nobody can. You won’t even try things if you don’t believe you can do it. All of the work that I have put into mending past breaks, unlearning harmful ways, and building myself in beliefs and skills meant to propel me forward is for not if at the big moments I shrink in fear of failure. Still learning not to be terrified of visibility. Still learning not to replicate the ways of people I don’t want to be like. I am still finding the glory in being me so that I can express it in a way that is a blessing. A daily work. That is life at its most potent and abundant. I once longed for ways to challenge myself to be more. Be careful what you wish for, that is if you are not ready for the fallout of the answered wish.
Lesson and motivation for now: Serving myself is not selfish. It is the only way that I will not only survive, but flourish.
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