Looking back…

I have been reading back through old notebooks. It is bizarre to read the recount of events that I forgot about. It is also strange to try to remember myself from a year or 2 ago. A self that felt alien to me even then. The gulf that stands between me then and now is both jarring and satisfying. For all of the times that it feels like I have done so little, I can see the sprawling path behind me as evidence of progress. 

One of the recurring theme of my words from 2 years ago is how tired I was. Every post practically begins with the declaration of how tired I was. I realize that I have been different extremities of exhausted since 2020. These last 5 years, as quickly as they seem to have flown, have been chocked full of so much life. It feels like I missed a lot of that life being so caught up in just trying to keep going. The difficulties have made life both dreadful and yet my commitment to going on anyway has shown me that in spite of what has taken place I have not completely lost myself. I have simply lost track of myself in a bizarre and chaotic world.

So much has changed in the last 5 years, let alone my lifetime. When I was born, only the most elite had huge bricks they called cell phones. Now people cannot conceive of life without them. I had encyclopedias and formal research. Now in the palm of our hands is a lot of information that we don’t bother to know about. Life has become completely different in the last 30 years or so in ways that none of us really could have guessed. A world where you can instantly reach a person on the other side of the world sounds incredible. Yet the same old nonsense plagues us and it does not seem that we are getting any better and addressing it. People who spent most of their lives working hard for lives they can barely stand are looking down on younger generations for not falling for the trap that we should make other people billions and hope that after a while we can collect enough crumbs for a decent life. Many things can be true, but at this time as much as any we have to recognize that our own lives have as much if not more to do with our actions as with what is going on in the world. We should be accountable to ourselves about our living, while also addressing those actively working to make our lives harder so that theirs can be easier. We are connected and the fact is that there are people who you don’t even know, who do not know you who are taking actions and making decisions that are going to impact your life. The more quickly we can stand up, look around, see what the issues are, and begin to work to build new, better systems, the less time we have to sit around and argue about whose fault it is. Fault is childish to try to find. Finding ways to change things is a much better search.

I am trying to make sure that I have learned what my life has been trying to teach me. It is tough while things are happening, but keeping sane enough to be able to continuously take inventory so that I can continuously work towards the life that I want to live is very important to me. I refuse to throw my hands up and allow other people to convince me to accept a hard life because my work to make my better upsets the order that they depend on for their position. I am becoming a better person day by day, while also finding ways to improve the greater world that I am forced to be a part of. I oscillate between hope and despair, but the more that I lock in to my own determination for joy and fulfillment, the less I feel like a passenger in my own life. I keep looking to work in ways that bless not only me, but others. In my writing, in the space that I take up, in the ways in which I impact the people around me, I look to be a good thing and spark the good that I want to experience. Looking back to move forward with greater clarity and assurance. I cannot know all, but I can pretty well bet that all seeds that I plant and tend to will bear fruit for me. Even when they don’t, I have yet more seeds to plant. Just glad to be able to get a bit more rest and reclamation as I power through…