Still going…

…Still going. I was just watching a woman going off on TikTok about people arguing with her about wanting to be single. People refuse to believe that there are women in this world who do not live and breathe to fall in love and live happily ever after. Some of us are genuinely happy being at home, safe, warm, rubbing our feet together, eating snacks, and doomscrolling.

I don’t want somebody just talking to me when I don’t feel like being talked to. I don’t want somebody getting an attitude with me because I’M in a bad mood. I’m already in a bad mood. It has nothing to do with you, but because you cannot separate me as a person from me as your partner you now have an attitude with me for having an attitude with you, or so you assumed because I’m not in a good mood. That’s so convoluted. It’s simpler to be single. I feel like I am cool much more as a single person than I would be in a relationship. Yes, I am hyper-independent. That doesn’t really bother me. I prefer doing a lot of things by myself. I’d rather do it by myself so that I can do exactly what I want exactly the way I want for exactly the length of time I want. If I want to go to the Field museum just to go through the Native American exhibit and walk right back out, I can do that. If I want a shake from here, but a burger from there, I can do that. If I want to sit on a random bench next to the water and romanticize my life a bit, I can do that. If I want to take my notebook and find somewhere I can just sit and write and look around and be with others, but still by myself. I don’t like the demand of a romantic relationship. What if I don’t even want to hear my own voice this weekend? Are you going to be able to leave me alone? But what if it’s your birthday? Or your mother’s birthday? Now I have to fake smile through a birthday dinner. Yes, maybe I am selfish, but I’m by myself so that’s okay. It’s weird to point out that is selfish without realizing that’s what it’s meant to be. I take from no one, I do for self. Why is that anyone else’s business? This is my life to waste. Why are you trying to get me to do what you think I should do?

It’s just really bizarre how much we are simultaneously in everybody’s business, but still not in community. Like we’re gather for gossip, not so much to commune. Like we’ll help each other if it comes down to it, but it has to get pretty bad first and then we’ll never let you forget it. It’s a wild world we’re living in. Social media really changed things, but we’re still walking around like things are the same. It’s bizarre. 

Just because you’re no longer aware of it doesn’t mean it’s not still there. It may have just become so normal for you that you don’t pay attention to it anymore. Either way, consciousness is the burden I would rather carry. It’s no better in the dark. We’ve just normalized the fear of it. But, I’m still going…