Back…

I’ve been gone for a minute, but I’m back with the jumpoff. This last week has been weird, but that’s not really too different from the rest of the year. I keep getting an odd sense of limbo that has me looking around. But I am determined to go on.

It is December somehow and I’m just ready for this damn year to be done. I want to start off 2026 delusional and tell myself that it’s going to be my year. I’m not about to be like the Black animated chick carrying the bullshit into the next year, so instead I’m going to strive for outrageous things because the world is on fire any damn way. Might as well shoot for the stars. Things are feeling so post-apocalyptic right now it seems like the best motto is “might as well”. 

I don’t know and I’m trying to become more comfortable with that. I’ve always struggled with uncertainty, ironically because I’ve had to deal with it so often. I was never really fully sure because things changed so often. That also means that I struggle with routine and feel like I’m always living on edge. Going to counseling and making the changes I’ve made this year has given me a chance to approach my life differently. Still working on my relationship to myself so that I don’t continue to settle and put myself in situations just to prove how strong and durable I am. One of the downsides to be a Black woman. There are many ups, though. I genuinely wouldn’t be anything else, even for how I’m treated.

Alas I am just happy to be back writing. I have been writing in this last week and some change. Mostly for myself. I’m finally ready to get my anthology completed and released. It is one of the things I am working on. I am grateful to still be doing my work in spite of everything. I’m truly getting into a space where I am ready to fully take ahold of my life and become obsessed with living life on the best terms I can find for myself. Nothing is guaranteed. Most of what we’re told is utter nonsense. It’s time to define the life that I have to work so hard for for myself. 

I hate that the world makes so many of us devalue our own existence. We allow the world to convince us that the only reason we are here is for some paltry, ridiculous nonsense that benefits other people, but not us. I reject that. I am going to be living my life in a way that not only breeds joy, but creates space in the world that I and others in my community can enjoy. That community is still taking form, as I am, but I grow more and more determined by the day to construct life for myself in a way that is meant to be a wonderful accomplishment and not a begrudging acceptance that I guess I’m supposed to be here. It is cold as hell out and snowy, which is not my favorite. Winter is my least favorite season by far, with it’s cold and darkness. However, I will be seeking to find joy in it. Not in the “traditional” ways, but in my own ways. I’m just happy to be back. I’ll have more updates or something tomorrow…