More…

As promised…today was also a bit much, but because I finally allowed myself to feel the emotions I was simply trying to get rid of, I now feel much better. I was able to find peace in doing the things that I want to do and remind myself that I am doing nothing harmful to anyone. Other people’s feelings are not my responsibility when they are simply hurt by me not doing what they want me to do.

I made a lot of decisions today that I do not think I will be re-deciding. I’m just trying to be in a way that supports my best. I had to realize that as a recovering people pleaser, I hold no responsibility to other people’s entitlement. I owe other people what I promise; not what they want from me. It is a revelation I keep having to remind myself of. This week has definitely been full of emotions, but I am learning to embrace instead of avoid them.

I find myself isolating again, but I’ve had to realize that a part of accepting myself is not trying to change myself to what other people think I should be doing. I do best alone. I always have. I am an introvert. Socializing takes a lot out of me and ultimately, I prefer the peace of my own company. I like to get out every now and again, I talk to people fairly regularly (mostly via text), but overall, most of my favorite activities are solo activities. Reading. Writing. Going to museums, alone. Going for walks, alone. Going to the movies, alone. Laying in my bed and scrolling on my phone, alone. I don’t long for other people’s company like that. I can take it or leave it.

I am single and childless. I realize that I’m single because the thought of having a man around all the time makes me itch. It’s not just the man part (even though it’s partially the man part, though I’m unfortunately attracted to men), it’s the idea of being around anybody all of the time. What if I don’t feel like being bothered? What if it is a day when I don’t want anybody talking to me and they start talking to me? Not to mention, most men are a lot of work. They come with so many care instructions, it is exhausting. You have to listen to the feelings they don’t want to deal with. Keep them alive like toddlers by doing things like having them drink water and eat vegetables. I’ll never forget being dumbfounded by a guy who I didn’t even know that long who I questioned pursuing me while he was still married (he claimed he was divorcing) and then him saying, “I thought you could be there for me”. Like that’s something I would want. Some men really think that women just want to take care of a man. Not I, said the cat. I’d rather eat an edible, get some snacks, and rub my feet together while mindlessly scrolling. I don’t want to be bothered. Eventually, I do hope I find someone who is also independent enough to leave me alone a good portion of my time. 

In the mean time, I keep taking steps back and trying to get to know myself for my works. I realize that I have spent most of my life trying to be what I felt other people wanted. It is strange to take a look at myself and consider what I want. Strange, but good. I keep developing my relationship to myself. I have realized that you will always be insecure when you don’t trust yourself. Ultimately, other people might let you down, but as long as you know you have you, there’s no stress. I have been hyper-independent most of my life anyway, I just always thought that was a bad thing. I have had to learn to ask for help when I really need it, but I am also a very capable woman who has specifically developed skills so that I don’t have to go to people if I don’t want to. I’ll probably be in a series of situationships forever, and honestly, that sounds cool. A couple good friends, some good family members, and that’ll be all I need.

I’m proud of myself for not giving up on myself. I’ve been doing that at the worst times throughout my life and it has held me back. I am finally ready to go all in for myself and it feels great. Until next time, once tomorrow becomes today, I hope I’ll still find myself again. *snaps fingers*…