Rested…

Today was a day of rest. I spent most of the day sleeping. It was necessary. It’s been a week of a lot of emotions and thoughts and I just needed to slow down to process.

It is not that things are getting harder, it’s just that there is no let up. I’ve been working hard for years in different ways and I haven’t taken so much as a vacation in probably 2 years. I’m getting to a point where I have to settle down a bit. Trying to work smarter, not harder. We’ll see…

In the mean time, holidays can bring up a lot for people. When you have issues in relationships, that becomes stark during this time of year. From grief to just plain ol’ dysfunction, while some are spending happy holiday time with family, others are having to navigate complications. But with the clarity following today’s rest, I have realized that it’s really about resolving the conflict between what you want to do and what is going on around you. As I grow stronger and stronger in myself and my relationship to myself, I am able to deal with things in a way that harms nobody else, but prioritizes my own wants and needs. It is nerve-wracking, but empowering.

There is only a little bit over a month left in this year. This year has felt like a damn decade. The more I work to change my life in a way that enables me to do what I would like to do for myself, the less patience I have for difficulties that I really don’t have to deal with. I have already begun my own boycott of chains and have been shopping and eating out locally. Just my own means of slowly, but surely removing myself from the systems that continue to plague us all. It is bizarre to be expected to just go on as usual. It feels like at any moment the set is going to drop out and we’re going to hear, “This ain’t no damn funeral home!”.

Either way, all I can do is live now the best way I can. I’m not interested in giving up and I’m not going to allow my life to go on in a way that is ultimately meaningless. I’m going to continue to contribute to the world in ways that do not take too much from me. I’m proud that I have grown in my commitment to myself and that I am finally being the writer that I have always wanted to be. I’ll write more about it tomorrow…