I find myself back again, proud at my own consistency. I did not develop a penchant for consistency and good habit forming early on. It is something I am establishing in real time and I am so proud of myself. Even if I am speaking mostly to myself here, I am grateful to still be moving.
Today was a rest day for me, which I have only recently learned to find peace in. As a Black person and particularly a Black woman, I have historically struggled with rest as it felt lazy. We as the people who did a good portion of the work for a large chunk of history have been accused of laziness in order to degrade us for having the audacity to want payment and place in the wealth that we made possible. We have been taught that as the people who put the food on the table that we should have been grateful for crumbs from it. So to lay around seems to make us useless, something that I am actively unlearning. We need to sit still for a bit so that we can process and think.
In my thoughts today I continue to think of the world that is unfolding and how we are each participating in its creation whether we like or want to. I think about where I spent my money, what I gave my time to, and what I have contributed to. It’s tough because we can hardly look around without seeing connections to the insidious super capitalists that are taking from damn near everything. Each ad I see, each business that I look at I have to wonder who is profiting. It makes it hard to do very much when you are vehemently trying not to give to those who will utilize those resources to make life worse for many others.
But that shouldn’t really be the focal point. I think about the concept of our neighbors. Our neighbors are whoever we are near at the time. I do not personally believe in directly loving each and every neighbor, but I do believe in general love in the sense of being safe for people. If I can love people by simply not harming them, that is perfectly fine with me. I do believe that one of the great features of love is being a safe space for someone. Loving someone so much that you want them to survive. While that does not always have to be active if it can at least exist in our living and letting live, that is good too.
With each day of decisions I make myself and the world that I live in. I do not have to mark each day with massive achievement, but each step forward, each day of maintaining the fruits of my labors is me facilitating life for myself in a way that I can find some satisfaction. I am not someone who is okay with simply living until I die, nor can I be convinced that many of the ways in which people assert we should be living are valid for me. It has nothing to do with exceptionism. It is simply my true belief that we are each particular and from our particular space not only do we have our own perspective, but we have stories and specialized skills that the world needs. We are suffering from the lack of fulfilled purpose, the light that so many of us are meant to shine because so many are simply striving for the status quo and conformity that washes out our individual good to make us ineffective and unnecessary. I remain determined to put forth my fingerprint on the world in a way that leaves it in as many ways possible better than I found it.
With each word written and each refusal to conform into the insanity of allowing other humans on worth dictate my purpose, I strike another blow to harmful norms and live another day of freedom. As I grab a firm hold of my free will and find my own glory, I look at spaces like this as opportunities for growth and further steps into my own power. Each promise kept to myself builds a confidence that I can utilize to be audacious enough to believe that my words and thoughts matter. That alone is a push against the constant sense I have in navigating the world that I am only as good as my assimilation.
Tomorrow will come and my determination to keep pushing myself out into the world will take hold. I will not judge myself should tomorrow find me otherwise occupied, but I admit a sense of pride in that I will once again return to this space I am building and declare once more that I am a human worthy of being by my determination to be in consciousness and growth. Until then I hope that if this finds its way to your eyes you might take a moment to relish that you are here and even if that is not yet a source of joy, another day of opportunity awaits to gain ground and be in a way that is better. May a better me return to us again…
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