Being Is Hard

Full transparency, I am still finding myself, which can fell absurd at my age. I’m not old, but I do feel too old, which I realize is the result of the status quo. Because we live in a society that prioritizes youth and newness over developing a good way of living that serves you at each stage. I listen to what other people say I should be doing and what I should want and that living sounds like a nightmare. Locking into routines just to feel some sense of stability is not it. I would rather adventure and invent for the rest of my life that to settle into a life that gives me nothing. I’m done presenting instead of being present.

That’s not easy, but life is not easy. Being is so many things at once and the more we resist it, the more miserable we are. Evolution is a beautiful thing. If you live a long life I would think you would want to experience as many things as you can, particularly to find the things that work best for you. But people think they are supposed to be set in their 20s and that accounts for most people’s misery. I knew little in my 20s. I was too busy trying to act like a grown up to seek actual fulfillment. As a result I accomplished a bunch of things that did not bring me joy and spent most of the time feeling wrong and looking on other people’s test paper to steal the answers. I was not raised in an environment that gave me a lot to aspire too in terms of living in the ways that I saw. In many cases it was quite the opposite. I thought I had to endure to show how strong I was and I never stopped to ask what proving that to others was supposed to get me. Just stumbling and fumbling through life knowing what I wanted, but prioritizing what I was “supposed” to do.

I’m still coming out of the space in my life where I allow everybody else to tell me who to be and what to do. It’s scary at first to have to face potential rejection until you realize acceptance has nothing to do with you. That’s for other people. What I need for myself is to establish joy through finding fulfillment and purpose in my being. There’s no one way about it. I’m the one working hard to care for myself. It makes absolutely no sense to allow other people to determine what I work hard for and how. I need to establish my own expectations so that I do not life in a constant cycle of disappointment.

I’ve toyed with selfishness for years, always deeming it a bad thing. Because of course other people don’t want you to be selfish. What will they get? You cannot let other people tell you that you should be last on your list. Every step of the way you only have yourself to live with and nobody else can love you enough to make you happy if you don’t know how to be. Developing the capacity for joy is tough when you formerly resided between a rock and a hard place. Learning how to live instead of struggle is strange when for the longest time you didn’t know the difference. Living should not be a burden and you are not here to simply suffer until you die. I had to find enough optimism to know that I can and must seek good in my living.

That doesn’t make it easier. In fact, in a lot of ways it becomes more difficult. Pioneering new ways comes with a great deal of uncertainty. We are socialized to fit in. Being in a way that runs counter to those around you can become very trying. However, there is too much emphasis on trying to avoid work instead of finding fulfilling work. Idle hands is a thing for a reason. We need the satisfaction of accomplishment, otherwise we find ourselves getting into self-destructive behaviors trying to make our lives something. I would rather knit a sweater than engage in constant drama. Those are not the type of difficulties I want to navigate.

Being is hard, but if you do it in a way that makes you feel good and ensures you serve a purpose, it will feel worth it. That is what I am working towards.